Last week, I mentioned that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I began to share some of the emotions I felt when my first daughter was stillborn. The shock and numbness were the first feelings I had. There were a lot more emotions I soon experienced. Some of them included sadness and fear.

The sadness seemed to last the longest because of all that we had done to prepare for her arrival were visible to me every single day. We had decorated and setup the nursery. She had clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles, and all that normal expecting parents buy/receive. To have to look at all these items and not have a baby to use them is a sadness that's doesn't go away instantly. I soon found myself sleeping with one of the blankets I bought for her. It was pink and white with a small butterfly in the corner. Some nights my husband would fall asleep on the floor in the nursery. This is how we coped with the sadness. We knew it wouldn't just go away. We knew that our crying would eventually decrease and not happen as often. However, to this day, there's a small bit of sadness that lingers each time I think about her. It's not a sadness that overwhelms anymore. It's just enough to wish she was here on earth with us.

The fear I felt was from the idea of having to face people. My fear was that I would have to constantly explain why Charlotte wasn't with me. When my husband and I went to events, people who didn't know would ask about her. We'd give a quick explanation. They'd say their sorry. We moved on with our evening. My other fears involved how other women would perceive me. At that time, I felt I was inadequate as a woman, wife, and mother. I couldn't save my child so I thought I failed. I thought other women would think I failed too. However, the fear soon faded when women started telling me about their own experiences with pregnancy and/or infant loss. A lot of women approached me to tell me how I would be OK and that I could get through it. Many of these women were older. Long time ago (I'm assuming before President Reagan did his declaration in 1988), it seems the idea of pregnancy and/or infant loss were treated like it was no big deal. No attention or special care were given to the small babies that were born but had died. Some women even said the doctor wouldn't even allow them to hold the baby's body. I couldn't have imagined not being able to hold my daughter. I wanted to hold her as soon as I possibly could - and I did! The doctors dressed her, took pictures, and everything to help me remember her. As devastating as the day was, it still had a small bit of joy.

I love my first daughter, Charlotte Evelina! She motivates me to do greater works! I hope to continue to encourage and empower everyone to know that there is life after any tragic event!